You should never let your cat watch that movie "Bull Durham".

Now I know you're asking yourself how a baseball movie could possibly be a bad influence on a cat and I have but one word for you: Meat.

Yes, Meat.

Meat is the term the Kevin Costner character used throughout the movie to refer to someone whenever he was trying to browbeat them or psyche himself up against them. It implied mountains of disrespect. Cats are ALL about the disrespect.

Deep, deep in my heart I know that my cat Zoe, who sat on my lap through Bull Durham the other night, is now calling me "Meat".

You should have seen her this morning. "Hey, Meat, what's with my water bowl? It's been AT LEAST 20 freaking minutes since I've had fresh water."

Oh, sure, it's not like she speaks English or anything, but that cat can fire off a look and mew out a pitiful wail that speaks volumes, volumes I tell you.

I rinsed out her water bowl and gave her new water. She daintily dipped her tongue in and took one lap of water.

Fine.

She shifted a few centimeters until she was in front of her dry food bowl. She looked down at the bowl meaningfully and then up at me. More wailing. I didn't have to be a linguist to get that one.

"Hey, Meat, you wanna top the bowl up? Whatsa matter, tightwad, can't afford a few more hunks o' kibble?"

Fine.

I topped up the kibble bowl. She daintily dipped her nose into said bowl. She ate approximately two pieces of kibble.

This wasn't about thirst.

This wasn't about hunger.

It was about power.

You can't keep your pride and keep a cat. I'm sorry but it just doesn't work that way. You've got your pride or you've got your cat.

Me, I've kept cats over 30 years now. Several generations of cats have browbeaten me into complete and utter submission. It's been so long since I've seen my pride I wouldn't recognize it if it walked up to me and shook my hand.

As I stood by her bowls, I did a little inventory. I'd changed Zoe's water and topped up her food, neither of which she really wanted.

I figured the cat had pretty much humiliated me as much as she was going to. After all, she had that badly needed 22 1/2 hours of daily sleep to clock in. Time was a-wasting.

I Had Forgotten About The Toilet Inspection.

Over the last few months the cat has developed a deep and abiding fixation with the toilet. The minute she hears the toilet flush she's downstairs to inspect the situation. It used to be that she would keep her back feet on the floor, prop her front paws on the seat and peer in.

Well, lately Zoe has decided to ratchet up the level of inspections because now she hops up on the seat and peers down in. We're not talking a casual glance here. We're talking thorough inspection.

AND if she sees something she doesn't like, she shoots me The Look and mews at me. "Hey, Meat, grab the brush. This toilet could stand a little work."

Fine.

Water. Food. And NOW she's criticizing my housekeeping.

That, my friends, is why you can't let a cat watch the movie Bull Durham.

They're sarcastic enough.

There's really no need to help them build their vocabularies.

--Marn

THE INTERNATIONAL CAVORTING DAY HALL O' FAME HAS BEEN ERECTED! Oh yes, thanks to the great kindness of Cuppa Joe the tens upon tens of people who have joined the juggernaut that is the International Cavorting Day movement have been enshrined.

One day historians will look at that list of those few, those proud, those cavorters and say to themselves, "Wow, will you look at those weirdos visionaries?"