I cruelly dragged Jess' roomie Marc out into arctic cold, travelling over an hour to a corner of Montreal I've never been, to help me buy the contraband I wanted.

Did I buy drugs?

Nope.

Weird porn?

Nope.

No, what I did was go to a Toys R Us and buy myself Bob and Doug McKenzie action figures. And before we go any further I want to stress that MY Bob And Doug Are Action Figures And They Are Not Dolls.

I can't stress this enough--Action Figures. The kids and I were NOT playing with dolls in a sort of dollhouse. We were assembling action figures and their manly accessories.

Oh, be quiet.

So can you guess what makes these action figures illegal?

Is it all that plaid?

Nope.

Is it the amazing quantities of beer which surround them?

Nope.

They're illegal because Bob and his brother Doug, only speak English. See, here in the province of Quebec you are not allowed to sell toys that only speak English because (as we all know) the future of the French language is deeply imperiled if a toy only says:

"Take off, you hoser!" and doesn't also say, "D�colle, hoser!"

The fact they say "How's it going, eh?" without adding "H�, �a va?" makes my little plastic Bob and Doug BOTH action figures AND cultural terrorists. Really, I'm getting some serious value for my money here, eh.

I've mentioned that they're NOT dolls, right?

Just checking.

Cuppajoe over in Trawna was the one who made me aware that Bob and Doug figurines are out there. The McKenzie Brothers and their hilarious SCTV segment The Great White North (which was expanded into the movie Strange Brew in the '80's) have a special place in my heart.

They made gentle fun of what it is to be Canadian, eh. We Canuckians have a hard time defining who we are.

And now, quite by accident, little plastic figurines of them are again pointing out some of the silly things that go with being Canadian.

In a manly, action figure kind of way, eh.