2001-03-23
Dear Diary:

����Spring is truly a season of rebirth if you live in a northern climate such as mine. You go from a world of white to a world to technicolour in what feels like ten minutes. The snow disappears, the trees bud, the daffodils bloom and the potholes arrive.

����Here in Quebec we don't actually have potholes. Our province's official attitude towards its roads is, "Hey, you want GOOD roads move to Ontario with the other sissies, you big wuss."

����Yep, here in Quebec we've moved beyond potholes into the wonderful world of craters, eh.

����Years of experience have left me with fairly decent crater navigation skills, but today it was particularly bad because we got over eight inches of heavy, slushy snow which semi-melted, mixed in with the mud and filled the craters with liquid.

The view out my bedroom this morning when I woke up, eh.����Beautiful on the trees, a nightmare on the road. I no longer had a visual guide to depth, and couldn't be sure if I had a baby crater, or something big enough to hide a large hunk of Mir in, if necessary.

����Can we say, "Gonna need a front end alignment" boys and girls? Why sure we can!

����Those of you who have never driven in Quebec probably don't understand how our system works. Quebec drivers (called in latin assholus aggressivicus quebec) do not use the shoulders of the road as a place to pull over in case of emergency as they do in the rest of the world.

����Oh no, that's a free bonus passing lane.

����In other parts of the world a yellow traffic light indicates caution, be ready to slow down, you may have to stop. In Quebec a yellow light means pedal to the metal.

����Oh, and I think they've installed some sort of machine that keeps car turn signals from working. No. Really. It's the only explanation I can figure for why nobody but nobody in the province signals a turn ever, eh. Yep, there has to be some sort of massive Car Turning Signal Dampening Field installed in this province.

����On a related note, you may have heard that our Canadian government is considering legislation that would allow restaurants and other public places to install equipment that would stop cell phones from working, so people such as restaurant patrons aren't annoyed by others' use of these gadgets.

����If you want to say something that will make a guy turn really, really red and make the veins on his neck bulge like hunks of rope and his eyes bug out--and really, who among us does NOT?--then go tell Sirilyan that you think That Cell Phone Dampening Legislation Is A Really Good Idea. Guaranteed conniption. Bonus.

����But I digress. That wasn't my original point. Okay, to sum up: road craters, bonus passing lanes, turn signal dampening fields.

����Guess I shouldn't be hanging around the mailbox hoping for any cheques from the Quebec tourism office, huh?

--Marn
P.S.--About a year ago I was sharing some culinary wisdom.
P.P.S.--If you found this diary through the National Post story about Kinder Surprises, then the diary entry you're looking for is here.

Old Drivel - New Drivel


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This template is a riff on a design by the truly talented Quinn. Because I'm a html 'tard, I got alot of pity coding to modify it from Ms. Kittay, a woman who can make html roll over, beg, and bring her her slippers. The logo goodness comes from the God of Graphics, the Fuhrer of Fonts, the one, the only El Presidente. I smooch you all. The background image is part of a painting called Higher Calling by Carter Goodrich which graced the cover of the Aug. 3, 1998 issue of The New Yorker Magazine.

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