I can neither confirm nor deny the rumour that Kevin Costner is interested in buying the rights to Mortimer's life to make a movie tentatively called "Dances With Squirrels".

Obviously, Mortimer's life would be of great interest to Hollywood. You have your triplets separated at birth, your lovers torn asunder by unscrupulous criminals, AND your serial killer, all set against the stirring backdrop of The Great Gray Squirrel War of 2001.

Eat your heart out, Leo Tolstoy, eat your heart out.

While Kevin Costner is a Hollywood star of the first magnitude--and his success with Dances With Wolves proves he could handle a project of the magnitude of the Mortimer story--I think we can all agree that only one man combines the rugged good looks, athleticism, intelligence, wit and unfettered sensuality we've all come to associate with Mortimer.

Why Harrison Ford, OF COURSE.

So we'll be holding out for him to play the lead. Not sure about Dutchie the cow yet, but I've heard that Charlotte Rampling's career is back on track. To me she embodies the smoky kind of European sensuality that you would expect to attract a moose such as Mortimer. The big question, of course, is: Can she do a Dutch accent?

We're also holding out for creative control of this project so that the script tells the REAL story.

Oh, and any scenes that involve Harrison and a middle-aged woman who will remain nameless .:cough:. Marn .:cough:. slowly unbuttoning the red serge Mountie tunic by the soft flicker of candlelight ...

in a small log cabin he's stumbled upon while lost in a blizzard ...

the flash of the gold buttons as the tunic slides off him on to the floor ...

his eyes aglow with passion ...

Completely integral to the plot, nothing gratuitous about a scene like that at all.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Excuse me while I go and take a cold shower.

--Marn

SETI@home

There has been an outpouring of sympathy for the plight of one small moose. The incredibly cute and deeply talented Paul of Rilting fame has even made a button for the Do It For The Moose Campaign.