I think the time has come for me to admit that I just can't watch Iron Chef. For days afterward I am a danger to myself and others.

For those of you who have not experienced the wonder that is Iron Chef it's best that you read this. Don't worry, I'll wait for you.

Lah lah lah lah lah lah.

Hi. Nice to see you again.

Really, mere words cannot do justice to how wacky this show actually is. You have to watch it to get the whole flavour of it--the cheesy overblown soundtrack, the odd dubbing, the colour commentators practically wetting their pants in excitement from some offbeat ingredient.

Now the thing that always dazzles me is that within the hour allotted to each chef they prepare three or four freakishly complex dishes. I mean, this is food multi-tasking to the nth degree. In a way it's kind of a cheat because just on the periphery of the camera you can see that each chef has three or four sous chefs doing all sorts of grunt work for them--chopping, grinding, grating, stuff like that--but the show kind of gives you the feeling that this is strictly a one man show.

I was pretty hepped up from this weekend's Battle Horse Mackerel when I decided today that I would make a shepherd's pie for supper.

Now normally when I make shepherd's pie I make it one step at a time. I get the meat layer saut�ed with onions, garlic, seasons and set it aside. Then I make the mashed potatoes, set that aside. Dig out my casserole dish, spray it with olive oil and then layer the meat, creamed corn and mashed potatoes. A final sprinkling of parmesan and aged cheddar cheese and then off into the oven where it bakes until it's hot right through.

Easy peasy comfort food.

Today I decided that was the sissy way. Today I decided I would make like the Iron Chefs and multitask my way through this dish. Oh yes, today I fought Battle Shepherd's Pie.

For those of you keeping score, it ended Shepherd's Pie 2, Marn 1.

First off, I figured I could saut� the onions and garlic while simultaneously peeling the potatoes. The Iron Chefs do things just like that all the time.

Three potatoes into the peeling I discovered that if you leave onions and garlic in a hot pan without your undivided attention, they will quickly turn into teensy tiny bits of charcoal. While charcoal is a good thing as a heat source while cooking, it usually isn't considered particularly flavourful.

Fine.

I dumped out the pan, cleaned it, chopped up more onions and garlic and this time gave them my full and undivided attention. When the onions went clear, I figured what I could do was turn the pan down, dump the lean ground beef in with the onion, garlic and seasonings and go back to multitasking between potato peeling and meat cooking. The Iron Chefs do things just like that all the time.

Well, I got absorbed in the potatoes and forgot to look at the meat. When I finally did get to it, it had mostly cooked through. Instead of being in tiny little ground beef chunks, it had cooked in its rectangular shape, the shape it had held in its styrofoam container. I now had hard hunk o' beef surrounded by little bits of onion, garlic and assorted seasonings.

Fine.

So then I had to get my spatula (because I was using my beloved non-stick pan and didn't want to damage it) and vigourously attack said chunk o' beef, chopping it into the tiny little bits it would have naturally assumed if I had only given it my undivided attention.

Fine.

The water I'd set going was boiling, so I dropped my potato bits in. I noticed that there seemed to be quite a bit of moisture in the beef I'd just cooked, so I decided I'd let it cook a bit longer. There was a growing pile of dishes nearby. I figured I could multitask through them while I waited for the potatoes to cook and the beef liquid to cook down.

I had my back to the stove as I motored through the dishes.

Know what I love about a non-stick pan? You can peel burned stuff right off it. So I dumped the beef out and skimmed off the 1/8 of an inch or so of it that had burned while I was multitasking through the dishes.

Fine.

Fortunately, the mashed potatoes came out unscathed and I assembled the casserole without further problems. It is heating in the oven of our wood stove as I write this. My attempts to multitask my way through the recipe, just like the Iron Chefs do, probably added a good half hour to the time it normally takes me to make it, though.

I Have Learned My Lesson. Let others complain about the sex and violence on the tee vee. Me, I know where the REAL heart of darkness lies: The Freakin' Food Network.

Get thee behind me, Iron Chef.

--Marn

P.S.--The International Cavorting Day Hall of Fame is open. You, too, could be part of an institution that's just like the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame except that it doesn't involve music, Ohio, talent or an actual building.

Otherwise, they are remarkably alike.

Celebrate the notion that we should all have one day in our lives when we are free to celebrate a jolt of spontaneous happiness.

Post a button or post a link to the cavorting site and become enshrined! See yourself right up there on the screen!

Make a rubbing of your name!

Oh. Wait. Maybe that last bit wouldn't work. Nevermind that part, 'kay?

Today's inductee into the Hall o' Fame is:

The first ten cavorters who entered the Hall of Fame I have dubbed The Mothers And Fathers of Cavorting. Don't worry, this does not involve messy blood tests, paternity cases OR child support. However, each time I update, I will feature one of them.

Cavorting has a large, loving, extended family of aunts and uncles, too, though, and it would be just wrong not to celebrate their wonderfulness, too.

And now, can I have a drum-roll, please, for Today's Cavorting Aunt's and Uncles: