Me and my big mouth.

Oh yeah I just had to make this year's New Year's Resolution public. Full of post-Christmas guilt, my dessert-fueled waist spilling oh so attractively over the top of my jeans, I publicly announced that I would run 500 miles on the elliptical machine at my gym.

What was I thinking?

New Years' Resolutions are made in a fit of temporary insanity and I think we can all agree that as such they should never, ever be announced in a public forum. They are penance. We Don't Really Mean Them.

Only ... only I said mine out loud. I couldn't conveniently "forget" it or pretend I'd never made it. There it was, right out on the table, mocking me. Even worse, a fair number of other folks joined in on the insanity and also agreed to travel 500 Miles to Nowhere.

It can only be explained by the words "mass delusion".

Well as of today there's less than five miles to go for me. Four and a quarter miles and I've done it, travelled 500 miles to nowhere, my New Year's Resolution. No one is more stunned by this than I am. I plan on climbing on the elliptical trainer Friday and grinding those final miles out. It will take me in the neighbourhood of an hour to do it and I will be whipped, but it will be a wonderful exhaustion.

Don't be too impressed by my distance. Other members of the 500 Miles to Nowhere Posse have crossed the finish line and then some. As of their last updates at the site Paula's done more than 1044 kim, Vicki's covered over 601 miles and Katherine's done more than 530 miles.

Nicole and I are in a neck and neck race to see who crosses the finish line next.

When I originally made the 500 mile goal, all I hoped for was that it would give me more energy and maybe make the bulge over my jeans a tiny bit smaller. I wasn't exactly sure I would even be able to finish it. Instead, to my shock, it led to a life changing experience and last month I found myself running with over 8,500 people in Montreal in the Jog for the Jugs.

Had you told me in January that by October I would be able to run over three miles, I would have almost peed myself laughing at your optimism. Had you told me last January that my three loyal readers, friends, family and neighbours would contribute more than $3,200 to the Boobs Canada and their fight against breast cancer, my jaw would have hit the floor with enough force to shatter it.

But all those things happened.

I wish I could say it was easy. Even this morning, so close to my goal, I really, really did not want to climb up on that machine. Towards the end of my 45 minutes the sweat stung my eyes, my thighs and calves burned, and the soaked back of my tee shirt felt unspeakably wet and clammy. It took all the grit I have to tough it out for the final five minutes.

You would think that that experience alone would be suffering enough for one day but you would be so very, very wrong.

People, we live in a cruel, cold, heartless universe.

Yes, you guessed it.

I still haven't found where The Evil Genius aka the spousal unit hid those delectable miniature Snickers bars.

It's making me mental.

--Marn

Mileage on the Marnometer: 495.75 miles (796.6 kilometers)

Goal for 2003: 500 miles - 804.5 kilometers