Windows fall down, go boom.

I�ve had this computer since 1999 and it has been getting wonkier and wonkier as Windows 98 SE spiralled into its death throes. Since I had a hard drive die on me in the 1980�s, I know enough to be religious about backing up work-related files, but personal stuff?

Not so good.

Insert image of middle-aged woman rocking back and forth, mumbling gibberish. An ancient set of original DOS 2.1 diskettes are clutched in her hand, a reminder of simpler days.

What? You think this is FUNNY?! Let he who has a complete set of hard disk backups AND all the software for his original program installs complete with serial numbers AND all the original install disks for hardware such as modems and Zip drives throw the first stone.

*Insert sound of crickets chirping*.

Yeah, I thought so.

I was able to get in and retrieve some files before the final Blue Screen of Death. I took the computer in to Carol, who runs a small internet cafe in the village where I shop, and told her I wanted her to help me through a format and a Windows re-install.

She looked at me dubiously. �Do you have all your original disks?�

�Carol, it�s a DELL. Look, here�s the box with all my stuff.� I had the spiffy original Dell box with owner�s manual and 20 bazillion CD�s. I waved the CD that said �Drivers� under her nose triumphantly.

The hard drive formatted no problem. Poof, five years of my virtual life went up in smoke, just like that. We put the Windows CD into the CD drive and Windows installed like a dream. Cooking with gas.

We put the drivers CD, the disk with information on everything from my sound card to my monitor to my modem, in the CD drive.

Nothing.

Bupkiss.

My CD drive could not read the disk.

Insert image of middle-aged woman rocking back and forth, mumbling gibberish. An ancient set of original DOS 2.1 diskettes are clutched in her hand, a reminder of simpler days.

Carol put the CD into one of her computers. It read it, no problem. My CD drive had been a bit of a poopy head lately, but I�d put that down to Windows. Oh, crap.

In for a penny, in for a pound. I bought a CD burner from Carol and told her to swap it in.

Carol is the geekiest woman I know. I adore her because not only is she an uber techie, she�s a very funny, earthy woman. Dell cases are somewhat tricky to open. She futzed with it a bit. �I have the owner�s manual,� I mentioned casually as she wrestled with the intricacies of the case. She waved me off.

Geeks do not need manuals.

Mostly.

Unless they�re wrestling with a Dell case.

Score: Dell 1, Geek 0.

Getting the compartment for the CD burner out so the new one could be put in turned out to be somewhat tricky because it is cunningly engineered not to come out. Again, the manual was waved off because

Geeks do not need manuals.

Mostly.

Unless they�re wrestling with a Dell case.

Score: Dell 2, Geek 0.

OK, new CD burner installed and configured. Device driver CD for computer inserted. Ran like a dream. The CD had two sections: Win98 drivers, WinNT drivers. Looked under Win98 drivers for my Turtle Beach sound card, clicked the proper folder and

No drivers. Nothing. Bupkiss.

Insert image of middle-aged woman rocking back and forth, mumbling gibberish. An ancient set of original DOS 2.1 diskettes are clutched in her hand, a reminder of simpler days.

Carol went to the Turtle Beach site to harvest drivers and there was a prominent note that said: If You Have A Dell, Do NOT Use These Drivers. Talk To Dell.

Fine. Off to the Dell site. Typed in the part number for my device driver CD in their search engine and what popped up?

A tech support note that the Win98 drivers for my sound card had been stored in the WinNT section of the device driver disk. Hiding device drivers. Gotta love those guys from Dell and their wacky sense of humour. What a knee slapper!

Score: Dell 3, Geek 0.

After that, things went as they should have. The computer is back up and running with an unaccustomed smoothness that seems surreal to me after eons of living with a machine that seemed to be held together with spit and duct tape. I have another few hours of re-installing back-ups of my work stuff and then I have to bitchslap persuade the computer to recognize my digital camera.

One of the nice things of working from home is that I can multitask, fit mundane little chores around my work. Today being hot and sunny, while I re-install software I�ve also been doing through laundry so I can get it out on the clothes line. Earlier in the day I was outside on the back deck hanging clothes when Norma ran up the fire escape with a present in her mouth, mewling with obvious pride.

She dropped it at my feet. �That�s a beautiful dead thing Normie,� I told her. Her tail shot up in the air, a sign of kitty happiness. She looked up at me. Clearly she wanted to hear more. I examined her dead thing, a creature of the rodential ilk. Really, it�s hard to know what to say to a cat sometimes.

�It�s remarkably spitty,� I observed. �You really gave it a good gumming.� We both contemplated the spiky furred rodent corpse for a few seconds. That seemed to satisfy her because she yelled at me to open the door and let her inside so she could catch up with her badly needed 22 � hours of daily sleep.

Which left me alone with a spiky furred rodent corpse. On the back deck. From which I hang laundry.

A mature woman would have grabbed a dust pan, scootched the former rodent into it and pitched the body into the woods. Unfortunately, even the thought of touching dead things squicks me out enormously AND I am not a mature woman. So I have spent the last few hours tiptoeing around a small corpse which will fester on the deck in the hot sun until the spousal unit gets home. Then I will whine until he disposes of it.

Lucky, lucky man.

For better and for worse. When the spousal unit signed on to the �Til Death Do Us Part Plan with me in �74 I�m guessing he did not envision it including lifetime disposal of cat-related dead things.

Gotta love those big, honking blanket clauses, eh?

--Marn

Mileage on the Marnometer: 510.53 miles.
Oh man. This is going to be hard
Goal for 2004: 1,000 miles - 1609 kilometers