It is a tale as complex as anything Shakespeare would weave, a story of intrigue, international moosenapping, and love torn asunder by a cruel, cruel world.

Mortimer is married! And the object of his affections, his One True Love, is a young beauty from The Netherlands named Dutchie.

Had I known that unscrupulous plush slavers had moosenapped Mortimer during his honeymoon at the Dutch island of St. Maartens, and sold him into the shady world of black market toys .... well, I would have insisted that he be sent right back to The Netherlands immediately.

I didn't know, really, I didn't.

And when I showed Mortimer the story, he drew a complete and utter blank. He couldn't remember a thing! Not Dutchie, not St. Maartens, nothing before the day he woke up in the toy store!

You know what I think it is? Amnesia! Yes, amnesia! I'm sure the evil moosenappers HAD to knock Mortimer unconscious with a heavy, blunt object to steal him away from The Cow He Loves. A blow such as this would explain why one of his antlers is crooked, eh.

I can't begin to tell you how embarrassed I am to learn how low the sordid and thankfully tiny criminal element in my country could sink. While I am all for crushing Dutch SETI teams, I would never condone such despicable actions as tearing a moose from The Cow of His Dreams.

I am sure as the weeks progress, the trauma of the head injury will wear off and Mortimer's memories will gradually return.

Dutchie's strong anti-Canadian sentiments may rub some folks the wrong way. Walk a mile in her hooves, folks. Her One True Love was torn from her arms by unscrupulous plush traders--how could she know this is the dark underbelly of Canadian society and not truly representative of The Great White North?

Bitter? Yes, of course she is! Oh, and remember, English is her second language. She probably doesn't realize how strong some of her words are, eh. Just as I haven't realized how much some of my words might have scraped, eh.

So you know what all this means in the end, don't you?

Whoever wins the SETI race will be helping to create a happy ending. Team Betronic (boo, hiss), Team Newkirk .. whichever team wins the other's mascot will be reuniting the moose and cow equivalent of Romeo and Juliet, two star-crossed lovers torn asunder by a senseless act of fate.

Losers? Nope, there won't be any. In the end the hunt for aliens gathers more recruits, and True Love Finds A Way.

Really, does it get any better than that?

Nuh UH.

Oh, and I think that Dutchie will find, as I have, that home isn't about a physical place. Home is being with the person you love.

I intend to welcome her when she comes to join Mortimer here with open arms and a loving heart.

--Marn

SETI@home

There has been an outpouring of sympathy for the plight of one small moose. The incredibly cute and deeply talented Paul of Rilting fame has even made a button for the Do It For The Moose Campaign.