Dear Mr. Gates:

Clearly you and your dimwitted knuckle-dragging "brain trust" over there at Microsoft, (who as a group probably have less cerebral wattage than the average firefly) have the scruples of a pack of starving hyenas. How else can you explain releasing an operating system as self-emolating as Windows 98 on a paying public?

I'm sure this will come as a terrible shock to you and your esteemed colleagues at Microsoft, but did you know that your Windows 98 operating system is prone to problems? I'm sure you would never knowingly release a piece of software as crucial as this operating system had you known it was defective, so I thought I would drop you a line about it.

Almost from the get-go that steaming pile of craptastic coding has caused me grief. I hate your guts. I hate the guts of anyone who even vaguely looks like you. I hope that you get huge, throbbing hemorrhoids so severe that you feel the physical equivalent of the psychic pain I get every time Win98 takes a nose-dive and decides to take my computer with it.

Wait, hemorrhoids are NOT enough.

Hemorrhoids and almost terminal jock itch, yep, THAT'S the ticket.

I endured Windows 95 because I thought it was an aberration. Windows 98 is proving to be equally unstable. The flakiness of your product has made severe cuts in the productivity of my small home business.

I would rather eat worms and die a slow, wasting death from a bizarre slime-related illness than buy software from your bloated, arrogant, ruthless company.

Oh, and you have stupid hair too.

What, are you too cheap to spring for a decent haircut?

After dealing with two bad software releases from your company I have to tell you that I now avoid buying Microsoft products and will continue to do so in the future. If I have to choose between a product made by your company and that of another company, then I will always choose the non-Microsoft product.

I have done everything but sacrifice small animals on an altar during a moonless night but it's been to no avail. Today that cosmic joke you call Win98 passed on and refused to boot at all. This operating system is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet it's maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! It's kicked the bucket, shuffled off it's mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-OPERATING SYSTEM.

Have I mentioned that I hate your guts? The hemorrhoid thingie? Jock Itch?

That you have stupid hair?

After weeks of becoming increasingly unstable, your operating system failed today; it would not even boot. Tomorrow I will have to call the wonderful folks at Dell Computer and have them walk me through re-installing it. I expect this will take me most of the morning, time I cannot afford to waste.

You could learn a lot from Dell, Mr. Gates. They have earned my loyalty by giving me the sort of support and service that is totally alien to a company such as yours. I have bought two computers from them and when it's time to buy my next one, they will get my dollar.

It will be a cold day in hell when you puke faced weasels get another nickle from me.

Have I mentioned that I hate your guts? The hemorrhoid thingie? Jock Itch?

That you have stupid hair?

I have decided not to upgrade to your current version of Windows. That's probably silly because it's probably better than Win98. But you know, I feel that by buying your products I am rewarding not only mediocrity, but a lack of ethics. So when I have a choice, I don't buy Microsoft any more.

I keep reading the computer press hoping that one day a stable, simple alternative operating system will surface. When it does, I will migrate to it with the speed of light and I doubt I'll be alone.

Until then, have I mentioned that I hate your guts? The hemorrhoid thingie? Jock Itch?

That you have stupid hair?

Sincerely yours,

--Marn