Pictured at right is the small table we use during the summer when we eat outside.

Yes, it is missing a somewhat crucial piece, its top.

Where is that top?

Well I'm not absolutely, positively sure of the EXACT location, but I know it is somewhere in the bottom of my pond. For the last few weeks I have been negotiating with my spousal unit over who, exactly, has to dive into the icy depths of said pond and perform the actual salvage operation.

First off, I want to say for the record that I admit that it is half my fault. Last fall I promised that I would put the summer furniture away in the shed and I got the chairs put away, but before I got around to the table we got a freak, early snow storm and, well ... alright, alright, I am too lazy for words.

So the table sat out all winter, spring came and ...

We got an extremely violent wind storm, so violent that it blew the table over. Best as we can figure, the top popped off, rolled on its side like a coin, ending up flat on the ice in our pond, not far from the middle.

Now let's just draw a little line here like this:

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Because that's where my responsibility for the disappearing table top ends. From here on in, the blame ping pongs on to my husband's shoulders because he's the guy who said he would get the top off the ice.

He tried venturing on the ice, but it was just rotten enough that it would not support his weight. No worries, he said, said he, he would cut a pole and slide the table top to shore where we could pick it up. Fine.

Only he waited a few days to do that and one morning we looked out and ...

There was a hole in the ice where the table top used to be because it melted through. Uh oh.

Now the top may have dropped like a stone. However, being round and flat, it may also have slid through the water like a frisbee slides through the air and it could be anywhere along the deep part of our pond, depths between nine and twelve feet or so.

Most years by now our pond would have warmed up enough to make a salvage dive cool but not bad. But this year we had the coldest, wettest May on record and June hasn't been any better.

Our pond is spring fed. Water from a spring comes from deep in the earth and retains the same temperature year 'round. For swimming purposes, this temperature is Stupidly Cold, just a few degrees above freezing. Cold water settles to the bottom of the pond ...

So we are um, er, ah negotiating, yes, that's a good word for it, negotiating, who will have to dive into stupidly cold depths of the pond and try to find the table top.

I have pointed out that we're both equally negligent, so it comes down to swimming ability. My spousal unit is an infinitely better swimmer than I, so normally it would be case closed.

My spousal unit is invoking the dangly bits rule.

The dangly bits are part of the equipment that separates the men from the women. They have many nicknames, the most common being nuts. My husband says contact with cold water draws them in tight to the body and he's claiming that if he has to go into the Stupidly Cold water in the depths of our pond:

1) his dangly bits will be drawn so high into his body he will have trouble clearing his throat

2) this will cause his voice to rise several registers, making him a laughing stock and target of bullies and

3) it may impact on his ability to perform his marital duties.

You can imagine my consternation when I heard #3.

Well, not owning any dangly bits myself, I have to take his word for all this. Clearly a table top salvage operation under current conditions could have catastrophic repercussions. Can we allow this? I think not!

Negotiations have reached a stalemate.

Now, if the weather warms up and we get a heat wave, well, one of us will go in and find the table top. But if it doesn't ...

The summer of 2000 may go down as the summer we never once ate outside.

Further bulletins as events progress.