First off, let me just say that this is not an issue of size.

I mean, there's enough performance anxiety and um, equipment issues in the bedroom. I think we can all agree that there's no need to bring that into the bathroom.

That said, I have a twelve inch ballcock on my toilet and you may be sitting on the mouth of a toilet that only has 8 1/2 inches of ballcock behind it.

I can't stress enough here that it's not the size of the ballcock that matters, it's what you do with it. If your toilet leaves you flushed and satisfied, then that's all that matters.

Have I mentioned that *I* have a twelve inch ballcock?

Just checking.

Frankly I didn't know that toilets had such varying equipment. Ours has been acting up for the last few days, refusing to shut off after it was flushed, and after a considerable amount of um, er, ah let's call it persuasion (because, well, really, nagging is such a pejorative word) the spousal unit finally lifted the lid on the tank and did whatever it is that you do to diagnose toilet ills.

"It needs a new ballcock," he said.

I had never heard the word before because I am woefully ignorant about plumbing matters, and so I responded with the sort of maturity one would expect of a 51-year-old woman.

"DUDE, you said ballcock," I said in my best Beavis and Butthead type voice. The slightly salacious ring of the word just cracked me up.

I hate it when he rolls his eyes at me that way.

I was the one going into the village today, and so it was that I found myself in the plumbing section of the hardware store.

There was a dizzying array of ballcocks. I mean, not only are we talking size issues, we are also talking ballcock rings, emergency back-up balls, chains ... as my three loyal readers can well appreciate, I was a woman overwhelmed.

A sympathetic clerk came over. I explained my needs.

He told me to think outside the tank as it were. Ballcocks are pass�. They're noisy, inefficient and wear out easily. There are alternatives, he said, quiet, long lasting alternatives.

Well, who amongst us does NOT appreciate a stable, serene bathroom experience?

Exactly.

So I have bought something called a toilet refill kit, because, well, I'm a rebel.

Yes, I am about to turn my back on twelve solid inches of ballcock.