Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004
Dear Diary:

The one thing you never, ever want to smell?

The scent of your own burning flesh.

I smell like beef when I'm cooking. I only mention this so that if you ever happen to be in a situation where cannibalism is necessary, you'll know how to adjust your marinade and/or barbecue sauce recipe.

(Rumours that MarnCo--the ruthless multinational behind The Big Adventure--is coming out with a line of such marinades and barbecue sauces are just that. Rumours. If those weasels over at Martha Stewart Living try to beat us to this our legal department will be all over them in a heartbeat.)

But I digress.

I know, I know. You're asking yourself, "Just how did Marn cook herself?" Ah, well, I didn't actually cook myself.

No, I was cooked by a trained professional.

See, I've had this thing on my nose for a few months now. It looked like a tiny scrape or the way a mosquito bite looks if you've scratched it too hard and broken the skin. I thought I'd scraped my nose with one of the bar bells at my gym and didn't think anything of it once it healed. Except that it kept breaking open.

Hrm.

So I went to my doctor and asked him what he thought and he said, "Hrm." He sent me to a dermatologist on Tuesday who said, "Hrm. This should be biopsied."

So he made me lie down and I scrunched my eyes shut because I figured the word "biopsy" probably involved some sort of hacking of flesh and I was right, it did. I didn't see what he used, but I'm almost positive something the size of a machete was involved.

It hurt like heck and I wanted to squeal like the sissypants crymonkey I am, but the spousal unit was outside in the waiting room. I decided that I'd better suck it up so I didn't alarm him unduly.

I opened my eyes when I felt the dermatologist daubing at the huge gash he had carved into my nose.

Oh, alright so it's not a huge gash. So it's actually more like the top of a scratched off mosquito bite. You be quiet. It felt like a huge gash and that's all that matters.

With a tweezer he picked up the eensy piece of ick he carved out of my schnozz and dropped it in some sort of solution in a test tube. Then the dermatologist picked up this thing on a wand.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a laser," he said. Naively, I thought he was going to use it to further illuminate the area he'd just macheted.

"Close your eyes," he ordered. That should have tipped me off right there and then that there was skullduggery afoot. Unlike the machete work on my nose, when the laser hit it I felt nothing.

And then I smelled it.

BBQ'd Marn.

The man was not illuminating the area, HE WAS FOCUSSING A DEATH RAY ON IT.

"Uh, that's me cooking, right?"

He laughed. "I'm cauterizing it so it won't bleed."

Cooking. Cauterizing. The same freaking thing.

You can well imagine my bitterness at finding out that I smell like beef when I cook. Before me stretched an endless line of unusable "tastes like chicken" jokes. I know you feel my pain.

I'll get the biopsy results in about three weeks. The dermatologist thinks it probably is skin cancer, but most likely the mildest form. Once it's all confirmed, I'll be handed on to a plastic surgeon who will take out the offending area. I may need a skin graft, depending on how much they have to remove.

Ah, the glories of being in your fifties. These are the years when you begin to pay for those sins of omission.

Sun screen? Who needs steenkin' sunscreen? Hat? Hats are for sissypants crymonkeys.

Yep, yet again it becomes plain that my three loyal readers can learn a lot from me. Too bad most of it involves the words, "Don't do this at home."

--Marn

Mileage on the Marnometer: 611.29 miles. Ten percent there rubber duck.Ten percent there rubber duck. 25 per cent thereTen percent there rubber duck.Ten percent there rubber duck..Ten percent there rubber duck.
Oh man. This is going to be hard
Goal for 2004: 1,000 miles - 1609 kilometers

Going Nowhere Collaboration

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Want to delve into my sordid past?
She's mellllllllllllllting - Wednesday, Feb. 15, 2012 - Back off, Buble - Monday, Dec. 19, 2011 - Dispersed - Monday, Nov. 28, 2011 - Nothing comes for free - Monday, Nov. 21, 2011 - None of her business - Friday, Nov. 04, 2011 -


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