The spousal unit is the worst person in the world to go to a Star Trek movie with Because He Actually Expects These Movies To Make Sense!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. I mean, really, what right thinking person expects a freakin' Star Trek movie To Make Sense? From the very get-go, from the James T. Kirk years, Star Trek has demanded a complete and utter suspension of disbelief.

You can't imagine how annoying it is to be watching a movie when you've set your brain to stunned and the person beside you is still in cognitive mode.

Okay, so first off I'm enjoying the scene where Picard, Warf and Data are zooming noisily around the desert planet on the treasure hunt for hunks o' android. Earlier scans of the planet revealed that it was inhabited by a pre-warp civilization. Members of said civilization materialized from behind some dunes in a very Mad Max sort of way and began chasing our heroes, shooting at them with guns, our heros shooting back.

"Whatever happened to the Prime Directive?" hissed the spousal unit. "Does being able to zoom around in a souped-up dune buggy override the Prime Directive?" I rolled my eyes at him. Of Course It Does! I mean, sure they could have slipped down quietly to the planet's surface cloaked and picked up the android bits that way, thereby obeying the Prime Directive, But We Would Have Been Cheated Of A Thrilling Chase Scene.

Sheesh.

The spousal unit critiqued all the fight scenes. He said no bad guy in the world would jump on someone from a catwalk--they'd shoot them and be done with it. He said that Everyone Knows that the minute a bad guy jumps on a member of the Star Trek Cast Who Has A Name, then the bad guy is toast because The Good Guys Always Win at the Fisticuffs.

Well, SHYEAH.

I gave the spousal unit my patented And Your Point Would Be? look, but he ignored it.

I was blissfully lost in the wondrous special effects of the Enterprise ramming the bad guy's ship when my bubble was rudely broken. "Didn't they just say that the other ship had 70 per cent shields?" the spousal unit asked. They had. "So how did the Enterprise get through?"

Arrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh.

Because They Had To!

I sweartogawd, I was ready to kill him at that point.

We got to the mandatory scene Where The Captain Takes Things Into His Own Hands. This mandatory scene has happened since my teen years when I watched James T. Kirk on my parents' black and white tee vee. It has to happen. It's a Star Trek Rule.

You're NOT going to believe this, but the spousal unit had the gall to SNORT.

He muttered something about how it made perfect sense for a guy in his 60's to beam over all by himself to take on the young, evil clone of himself, when he could have sent over a group of brawny butt kickers to handle the job and instead use his own years of experience to save The Enterprise.

"BUT THAT'S NOT THE WAY THEY DO IT ON STAR TREK," I wanted to scream. You can well imagine my pain.

Well, we made it to the end of the movie without me inflicting any bodily harm on him, but it was close.

Next Star Trek movie, for the sake of the marriage, I'm going by myself.

Sense. The man actually expected a Star Trek movie to make sense. I know. I still can't believe it myself.

--Marn

Mileage on the Marnometer 44.77 miles (76.86 kilometers)
Goal for 2003: 500 miles - 804.5 kilometers