Today at my gym it looked as if an elf had perished in a tragic, glitter-related accident.

My trainer spent a large part of this morning decorating the gym in a Christmas theme. There was a bitsy Christmas tree, holiday banners and she even festooned some of the larger equipment with long glittery plastic Christmas streamers in holiday colours.

As we used the gym equipment, the streamers began to shed little glittery bits. My trainer had put a lot of effort into the arm deck, wrapping it mostly in green with a bit of gold thrown in. With use, various cables and attachments began to shred the streamers. Within a hour, there was a small pile of bright shiny green bits on the floor, lightly flecked with gold bits.

Because the pile did look like an exploded elf, there was much joking about wrapping the arm deck in yellow police tape as if it was a crime scene.

We're ALL about the holiday spirit at my gym.

I must confess that I have been slacking off on the cardio portion of my workout. I am a bit burned out after training so intensely for the 5K Jog for the Jugs back in October. I planned to spend all of December travelling a leisurely 6 to 9 miles a week on either the elliptical machine or the treadmill.

Then I made the mistake of easily peeling off two eleven minute miles on the treadmill in front of the new trainer earlier this week.

You should never, ever let a trainer know your exact fitness level.

It Can Only Lead To Trouble.

Unbeknownst to me, the new trainer's been itching to get a team together from our gym to run a 10K race this spring near our gym in Vermont. After I hopped off the treadmill, he asked me if I'd be interested and since the spring is far, far away, and I've already told Joey I'd try to join him for a seven mile run in Florida, I said sure.

After all, this wouldn't cut into my December o' Sloth, right?

WRONG!

The new trainer's decided that Team My Gym has to start a new, improved training plan either by the end of this week or the beginning of next. He informed me he is currently tweaking the details. There is going to be weight training, flexibility training and cardio training.

In other words, I will be expected to change from someone developing a few pretty gym muscles to actually trying to become ... are you ready for this? ... A FREAKIN' ATHLETE.

I know. I am as appalled by this prospect as you are. After all, this involves a major change in my life and I think it goes without saying that Change Is Bad.

Even worse, it's going to involve major humiliation. I am insanely competitive in the gym. I have been known to squat 10 pounds over my personal best when confronted with another woman handling that weight at my gym.

Yes, yes, I have risked severely damaging my back and/or knees because there is something that enters my bloodstream when I walk into the gym, something that makes me want to pound my chest and make territorial gorilla sounds.

I am such a credit to my gender.

So why am I so sure about the humiliation? Well, the thing is that everyone else on Team My Gym is young enough to be my kid. One of them is my very own trainer. They're all in their late 20's, early 30's and this means that they are in their distance running prime.

They are going to be faster than I am. They are going to have more endurance than I have. I am about to have my butt handed to me on a platter several times a week until about April. Months and months and months of humiliation.

Oh happy day.

Oh, and since I've already signed up for one hunka hunka burning humiliation, why not another? Seeing as I'm going to be running anyhow, I've decided to keep the Going Nowhere challenge open for 2004.

My goal for 2004? 1,000 miles. Obviously, I've gone mad. The way I look at it, if I'm going to go down in flames it might as well be big, honking flames.

Treadmill. Elliptical machine. Bicycle. Rowing machine. Road miles. Apparently training for a 10K is going to involve all these things and many, many miles.

I could use some company along the way. So if you're up for a challenge for next year, let me know, send me an e-mail at marn at diaryland.com. You don't have to set a 1,000 mile goal. You don't have to run. The whole idea of Going Nowhere is to form a posse of folks trying to fold more movement into their lives. This year folks did that through everything from rowing to dancing.

It will be fun. No. Really. I mean it.

--Marn

Mileage on the Marnometer: 529.9 miles (854 kilometers)
met goal Nov. 7

Goal for 2003: 500 miles - 804.5 kilometers