I know you're all hepped up about tomorrow being May 1 and all because that means National Masturbation Month begins!

(It's called M�nage � moi here in Qu�bec for those of you who want to pick up some Free Bonus Qu�bec Factoids.)

Of course, training is everything if you want to be fully observant for a month. You've been following Queerscribe's good example and been um, er, ah giving yourself a helping hand so you have built up stamina, right?

RIGHT?

Oh man, I'll bet you've been procrastinating again.

Kids these days.

Look, you have no excuse NOT to honour this special month. Observing National Masturbation Month does NOT involve special tools or safety equipment unlike, say, National Carpentry Month.

(Although, of course, there are many toys you CAN use if you're so inclined. Remember, though, that this man is a trained professional. Don't try this at home.)

Another cool thing about this holiday is that you don't need to take a special course; it's perfectly fine to be self-taught.

Oh, and the best thing of all?

There's no need to dress up.

Yep, you can come as you are.

Oh, like you didn't guess I would make that old joke, eh.

--Marn