2001-08-04
Dear Diary:

Okay, technically I did promise that I would not buy any houseplants between now and our return from Australia late this fall because the odds are good that many of my green houseguests are going to go to the Big Compost Bin In The Sky in my absence.

But really, what I did on Friday was more of a plant rescue than a plant purchase.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Yes, this plant is insanely large and almost impossible to miss.  Fine.  Go ahead.  Laugh.Oh, and yes, I really, really did think I could smuggle the plant into the house without the spousal unit noticing, which says a lot about my breathtaking powers of self-delusion.

It all began innocently enough on Friday when I had to take the Marnmobile to the small city where I bought it for its 60,000 km. checkup. Afterward I decided to do my shopping in the enormous supermarket there, and it was while I was navigating the produce section that I saw The Plant Gulag.

There they were, a large group of houseplants gasping their last breaths, clearly the victims of under watering. One especially caught my eye, its large green wilting leaves looked like hands pleading for rescue. When I put my fingers in the pot, the soil was dry as the Gobi Desert. A huge, orange sale sticker on the side of the pot firmed my resolve. It deserved a better life than this.

Besides, I figured the spousal unit would not spot another plant, right? Even if it does look completely unlike anything else I own, I figured I could bluff my way through the situation.

So I lifted the plant out of the Gulag into my shopping cart which it almost filled. I considered this for a moment and then told myself Paul would never notice it--it just seemed really, really big because its leaves were all droopy. Yeah, that's it. It would be A LOT more compact if it got some water and lifted its leaves. So I got a paper cup from a food vendor and went to a drinking fountain and watered my newly purchased plant. Hardly anyone stared.

Out to the Marnmobile where I threw a few bags of groceries into the trunk. I went to put the plant in And It Would Not Fit Into My Trunk. Uh oh.

So I put it into the front of the car on the floor and the scale of the thing finally hit me. It filled the whole passenger side of my car from floor to roof to windshield. It looked as if I was getting ready to shoot Jurassic Park IV in the Marnmobile. Uh oh.

I looked at my watch. 4 p.m. If I scooted, I would get home before the spousal unit, run the plant into the house. Although it is basically big enough to hide a dinosaur behind, I deluded myself that I could put it behind a few others And He Would Not Notice It.

It has been stupidly hot. The spousal unit has been building a deck for a client. When I drove up into the yard, who should be sitting on our deck, his hair wet from a dip in the pond, a frosty beer in his hand? Yep, Paul. He had knocked off early for the heat. Uh oh.

Oh man, I was busted.

I guess my face must have been a study. He looked at me, he looked at the passenger side of the Marnmobile which was completely filled with Jungle Plant, and started to laugh. He almost split a gut when I admitted that I thought I could smuggle the plant in and that he would not notice.

The humour of it all amused him enough that, for the moment, I am forgiven.

But I'm definitely on probation.

--Marn

Old Drivel - New Drivel


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Want to delve into my sordid past?
She's mellllllllllllllting - Wednesday, Feb. 15, 2012 - Back off, Buble - Monday, Dec. 19, 2011 - Dispersed - Monday, Nov. 28, 2011 - Nothing comes for free - Monday, Nov. 21, 2011 - None of her business - Friday, Nov. 04, 2011 -


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2000, 2001, 2002 Marn. This is me, dagnabbit. You be you.