Paul's friend Stan died on the weekend after a long fight with throat cancer.

For a fair bit of the time we knew him he had been an angry man, constantly challenging authority. His illness transformed him and his rage burned out. For his last few years he was a totally changed person.

He fought for his life but he didn't look away from his dying. He mended his bridges.

Is it possible to become a born again Jew? It's the only way I can think to describe what happened to Stan who had been a very secular person when he first moved to this area about 20 years ago. In his last years he went back into his faith.

If you called after sundown on a Friday you got an answering machine. The family began observing the Jewish holidays, he taught his three sons Yiddish, had them learn Hebrew, and he asked us to call him Moyshe which was his Hebrew name.

It was a lot of change in a relatively short time.

His wife, Selma, has the kind of courage I can only dream of having. Last summer she said when they first got the diagnosis a few years earlier it had been shattering, but then she sat down and looked at what the future would be. She has three sons, two in their teens, and they have to be raised.

Life goes on. It has to.

The truth of those simple words can be a very hard thing to accept.

My husband is entering those very dangerous years for a man, the years between 50 and 55. There's a spike in mortality rates for men in this age bracket--mostly it's heart disease, but other illnesses such as cancer also flare up and take their toll, too.

When we lose a friend I think about this, about how the spousal unit is at a vulnerable point in his life. We have known each other 32 years now. I can barely remember what my life was like without him. I cannot conceive of my life without him.

Using the sort of clear-headed logic that's made me the woman I am, I have told him many times that if he croaks before me I will kill him.

Much to my relief, he's solemnly promised me he'll observe the "ladies first" rule. He's also mentioned that he will observe at least one day of bachelorhood for each of the years he's known me.

I wouldn't expect any more.

--Marn