2000-08-24
Dear Diary:

At least two of my friends, now divorced, have done this.

If any of you out there are considering having a baby to prop up a wobbly marriage/coupling/partnership or whatever you care to call your relationship, I have one question for you:

WERE YOU DROPPED ON YOUR HEAD AS A CHILD OR WHAT?

Believe me, there's nothing like having a baby to expose whatever cracks might exist in the foundation of your marriage, fill each crack with a stick of dynamite, and blow your marriage to kingdom come.

If you and the light of your life were having trouble communicating BEFORE, just wait until you throw the mayhem of a pregnancy followed by a newborn infant into the mix.

Shall we talk about S-E-X?

Well, let's see ... for the final few weeks of pregnancy S-E-X becomes a challenge. Most women, in the final weeks of their pregnancy (myself included), bear a startling resemblance to Moby Dick.

Then, for about six, seven weeks after the woman has pushed the equivalent of a watermelon out of her baby chute, the You Can't Use Baby Chute For Sex Rule comes into play while you're waiting for said chute to recover.

Now I know there are many wonderful alternatives to The Chute. (And ladies, we all know you can do better than handing your significant other a jar of vaseline, the latest Playboy and pointing him towards the bathroom with the words "Knock yourself out". Make the effort.)

And it does take an effort. Because a woman's hormones after she has a kid run riot, and every fibre of your being gets directed to the small puke, poop and piss creating critter you have produced.

Except at first, it's all a bit disappointing. See, a shiny new newborn baby has all the personality of a tuber. I'm sorry, but it's true. For the first few weeks you don't get a lot of feedback from a newborn, they're just basically little baby lumps. They're an enormous amount of work, and you don't get a lot back from them.

Couple that with severe sleep deprivation, a dab of post partum depression and a radically lowered sex drive ... and you have a recipe for disaster.

If you had trouble talking with your one true love before, just wait until you're with a man who feels he's been ignored for a couple of months in favour of a baby, but feels guilty about his anger and/or sense of loss about this. After all, it's his baby too and the baby needs you more, right?

Add to the guilt the man feels about those needy feelings he has the fact that he is suffering from sleep deprivation as severe as your own. Toss in a semen back-up so bad it's almost oozing from his ears ...

And you thought A BABY would make things better between you?

WERE YOU DROPPED ON YOUR HEAD AS A CHILD OR WHAT?

If you can't talk and let each other know what's happening, this sort of stuff drives a stake right through the heart of a wobbly marriage.

And if you CAN talk, if your marriage/partnership is solid and somehow through all the craziness you manage to stay connected?

Then you make it through the purgatory of the seven weeks of no baby chute use and reconnect. The alternatives are fun for a change of pace, but they just ain't as good as the old human sandwich.

It takes a while to get your groove back, but back it comes.

And right about the same time, the light goes on in tuber tot's head and you get this:

The baby is factory issue, the Little Red Riding Hood costume is an accessory.Even diaper duty isn't such a drag when you're playing with a happy camper

Tuber tot is replaced by a real live teensy tiny personality, a PERSON who is very happy to see you.

Even diaper duty isn't so bad when it involves someone who giggles, chortles and just generally squeals with delight when you're around.

Man oh man, getting to that point is a couple testing grind. But if you work it through, you have a marriage that is stronger than before AND this cool little person you can dress up like Little Red Riding Hood.

Aren't you glad YOUR mom doesn't keep a web diary?

--Marn

Old Drivel - New Drivel


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Want to delve into my sordid past?
She's mellllllllllllllting - Wednesday, Feb. 15, 2012 - Back off, Buble - Monday, Dec. 19, 2011 - Dispersed - Monday, Nov. 28, 2011 - Nothing comes for free - Monday, Nov. 21, 2011 - None of her business - Friday, Nov. 04, 2011 -


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This template is a riff on a design by the truly talented Quinn. Because I'm a html 'tard, I got alot of pity coding to modify it from Ms. Kittay, a woman who can make html roll over, beg, and bring her her slippers. The logo goodness comes from the God of Graphics, the Fuhrer of Fonts, the one, the only El Presidente. I smooch you all. The background image is part of a painting called Higher Calling by Carter Goodrich which graced the cover of the Aug. 3, 1998 issue of The New Yorker Magazine.

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