����"I want your aged dildo cruising in my underwear," the anonymous web surfer typed into Google, dark, unfathomable desires shimmering in their eyes.

����Google sifted through 1,346,966,000 web pages, ranked them carefully and then this is what met the surfer's hungry eyes.

����Yes, when you're looking for aged underwear cruising dildos, you are looking for me. Really, I must update my resum� pronto.

����Sadly, it appears that other parts of my sexual repertoire need work. You want to play with his balls? Well, apparently there are three other sites who have superior technique to mine. Fine. I'll get over this blow to my self-esteem.

����Eventually.

����Fortunately, Netscape is fully clued in to my Inner Slut. You're looking for an animal woman? Oh yeah, baby, you're looking for a middle-aged woman who obsesses about foxglove.

����No.

����Really.

����You are.

����And while you and I know that I make Emily Dickinson look like a party animal, no need to spill the beans to the people who are looking for sordid party pictures,, right?

����Nah, I didn't think so, either.

����Yep, just another day in the neighbourhood.

����Sometimes I'm kind of glad I don't know everyone who drops by, eh.