Dear Diary:

If you have friends who are vegetarian, they will claim they can make a flaky, delicious pie crust without the use of lard, eh.

The best way to handle this is to pat their hand soothingly and murmur, "Yes, I'm sure you can". Keep your eyes slightly averted as you do this, or they will suspect the whopper you've just told.

If you have the grave misfortune to actually be served a pie made from one of these lard free pie crust abominations, there are several ways to handle this.

(And let me add here that if you are punished with such a crust AND you are a Buddhist, this should make you wonder about your past life because Mr. Man you must have pulled some doozies to merit this kind of Bad Karma.)

Um, there WAS a point to this ... oh yes, avoidance of vegetarian pie crusts.

Well, first off, you can refuse the dessert, pleading that the meal itself was so delicious that you can't eat another bite.

I once said that after being served a macrobiotic meal of such blandness that I almost lapsed into a coma. I knew that if I ate the pie with the vegetarian crust I would not come out of there alive.

Unfortunately, I had also had too much to drink to gather the courage necessary to eat this um er ah unique dining experience and uttered the words, "Well, if this food doesn't make you live forever, having to eat it will make you FEEL as if you have."

Phrasing is everything.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "You could cut the silence with a knife"?

Very applicable to that situation.

Oh well, moving right along ...

If your host won't accept your refusal and still insists that you MUST try the pie then you must, of course, take a piece. You can try the "slim, girlish figure ploy" as in, "I'll just eat the yummy filling because I want to drop a few pounds." Some folks will buy that and save you from pie purgatory, others won't.

Okay, say you're up against a Pie Nazi, someone who will not take no for an answer, what then?

This is when you pray they have a dog. I am not religious, nor am I particularly fond of dogs, but it's a well known fact that dogs will consume carrion, horse manure and vegetarian pie crusts. I'm not making this up. They WILL eat vegetarian pie crust. I Have Seen It With My Own Eyes.

You use one of the standard redirection ploys to distract your host--"Oh, look, aliens have landed on your pond"--and then slip the pie under the table to the dog.

Anyone who would believe I would willingly eat a vegetarian pie crust while not under the influence of mind altering substances is also gullible enough to believe me when I say aliens have landed on their pond.

(We won't speculate of what sort of past life someone must have lived to come back not only as a dog (*shudder*) but also as A Dog Forced To Eat Vegetarian Pie Crust. This falls under the general heading of "The Heart of Darkness.")

Well, I think I've made my point here.

So I know both my loyal readers are asking yourselves, "Why oh why are we being subjected to a spontaneous yet incredibly boring pie crust rant this fair Monday morning?"

Because, gentle readers, this Saturday we're holding our community supper to raise money to keep local kid-related stuff such as a skating rink going. Without volunteers and money raised at this supper, it wouldn't happen. I've just been asked for two pies and to help out with the serving, something I've been doing for over ten years now.

Yep, it's fun to pitch in and help out, but there are some sacrifices I WON'T make, even for the place I love.

So my pie crust will be made with lard, and I WON'T be eating any vegetarian pie crusts that might appear on the dessert table.

We all have our lines in the sand, eh.


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