����So yeah, I painted the town red New Year's Eve.

����Well, to be more accurate it wasn't exactly red, it was more like clear, semi-gloss. And to be even more accurate, I wasn't exactly painting the town, it was more that I was painting the new cupboards the spousal unit made me.

����*Sigh*.

����So as 2002 rolled in I was proving yet again that my central reason for existence is to live a life of such dullness that everyone else, no matter how boring they consider their own lives, is immediately cheered up.

����Yes, I exist so that my three loyal readers can say to themselves, "Well, things might be so boring that I want to stab myself with a fork to break the monotony, but at least I'm not Marn, eh."

����*Sigh*.

����Although it might be hard to find a pokier way to celebrate the new year, now that they're finished the new cupboards are a big slice of wonderful for me.

����They finish off an odd corner of the house and give me some badly needed storage for things such as my mop, broom and various and sundry cleaning articles which I had been tucking into odd corners of the kitchen.

����However, this may not exactly be a good thing, eh.

����See, I'm not exactly known for my housekeeping. I don't tend to sweep until I find myself bending down to pet the dust bunnies. Couple that with the words "out of sight, out of mind" and I think we can pretty much guarantee that thanks to the new cupboard tucking my cleaning tools away out of sight, our home should vault up into the top ten of the U.N.'s World Environmental Hot Spots list by the third quarter of this year.

����Love Canal, Schmove Canal. I'll show them what pollution can be!

����Yep, so now that 2002 is fresh upon us you may be wondering if I have any goals beyond creating a major pollution zone. After some careful consideration, I have to say that my only other resolution this year is to try to stick with the fitness r�gime I started last year.

����To that end I drove all the way out to Canadian Tire to purchase, Barney, The Purple Happy Fun Ball of Exercise, Humiliation and Torture. Not only was this round globule of purple wonderfulness on sale, but it came complete with a training video -- something along the line of "Hundreds of Ways to Maim and Humiliate Yourself On A Large Plastic Ball". (I am, of course, paraphrasing the title slightly.)

����I really love the idea of owning a large, purple ball that comes with it's own video. None of the balls I owned as a child came with videos, but then when I was a child There Were No Videos. Yes, Yes I Am That Old.

����So you can well imagine how hopped up with excitement I was after the 45 minute drive to the ginormous Canadian Tire store. As I motored along, I spent the drive imagining how I would use Barney on those days when winter storms made travelling to the gym too dangerous.

����I pictured the contortions, the bruises, the humiliation of utterly unco-ordinated me trying to master a home version of a piece of gym equipment which has crushed me now for nine long months at my gym. As an added bonus, It Is A Bright Purple Not Seen In Nature, AND as if THAT wasn't enough, it comes with a video showing me new, exciting ways to hurt and humiliate myself.

����Now you might think that the market for Purple Happy Fun Balls of Exercise, Humiliation and Torture would be a fairly limited one, but you would be so wrong. When I finally found the exercise section of the store, the saleslady informed me that They Were Sold Out.

����SOLD OUT!

����You can well imagine my pain, disappointment, shock and horror.

����Fortunately, all is not lost. I am meant to have one of these balls. I have in my sweaty little hands a Rain Check.

����Yes, in seven to ten days I will be the proud owner of a Purple Happy Fun Ball of Exercise, Humiliation and Torture. No longer will I be limited to failure at my gym. Now I can fail on a piece of exercise equipment at home, providing hours of amusement to my cats and spousal unit.

����Try to control your envy, eh.