Since Tuesday night I have had a large purple ball.

Those words would be cause for concern if they were uttered by the spousal unit, and probably occasion a trip to the doctor, but seeing as I'm All Woman you can relax and instead join me in swooning in happiness over the arrival of The Purple Happy Fun Ball of Pain, Humiliation and Torture.

Don't you agree that there is entirely too little swooning with happiness in our cynical era?

As I predicted, the new exercise ball and my amazingly inept use of it have provided endless amounts of entertainment for Paul. My cats are definitely leery of the whole situation and watch me with tense, nervous expressions as I begin to fumble my way through the workout provided on the accompanying video. I'm pretty sure they are afraid I might hurt myself, thereby imperiling their food source (since I do the grocery shopping).

You can imagine the stress they're under in this situation, eh.

The video that came with The Purple Happy Fun Ball of Pain, Humiliation and Torture has the sort of production values not seen since my public school Christmas pageants back in the late 1950's.

Yes, THAT slick.

We're talking two women in exercise clothes each armed with a Purple Happy Fun Ball of Pain Humiliation and Torture, a bare stage, and some sort of incredibly tacky cloth backdrop.

And yet, because the trainer demonstrating the exercises is psychotically perky, it is all oddly mesmerizing. I kept waiting for her fa�ade to crack, for her to burst into tears and admit that what she was doing was hard and exhausting, but through all her contortions she not only smiled, but she kept up a running patter.

The woman is a freak.

The part I loved best was the other woman, the woman who was demonstrating the exercises with the trainer. She was obviously meant to be The Everywoman, proof positive that you don't have to be 98 pounds of pure muscle to use one of these balls.

When The Freak -- oops, I meant to say that when the trainer would show you a way to make the exercise tougher, Everywoman would resolutely stick to the easier version of each move. I adore her slacker ways. In the short time I have known her, I have grown very attached to Everywoman and would nominate her in a heartbeat for an Oscar for Most Realistic Performance in an Exercise Video if such a category existed.

Hard to imagine that the Oscars DON'T honour such tour de force as my exercise video, eh?

Today was my last workout at my gym, and from now on I'm going to have to continue The Quest For Fitness, Strength and Miscellaneous Super Powers on my own, at least until the fall.

Yep, as of Monday, it's just me, The Purple Happy Fun Ball of Pain, Humiliation and Torture, my free weights and some exercise videos.

Wish me luck, because I know I'm going to need it.

--Marn