If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I am well on my way to building a four lane superhighway right to Satansville.

Early this summer I noted that a fair number of my houseplants were looking peak-ed. They had that slightly wan look of plants that are root bound, plants that have not been repotted as they should be. Every week, when I'd water them, I'd resolve that I'd Get Right After That Repotting Project.

And I never did.

Well, here it is ten minutes from winter, when my houseplants are about to slide into dormancy, and what did I do today? Why I repotted all my houseplants, of course.

Did I choose a lovely, warm Indian summer day to drag my plants outside for this tedious job? Oh pshaw, that's just Crazy Talk. Oh no, I chose a very cold. overcast, damp day because where's the sport in doing something like this in pleasant conditions, as I could have all throughout the summer?

My thoughts, exactly.

So I dragged each plant outside, hosed off the leaves, tipped it out of its pot, shook off the old dirt and threw it away, and tore off about 1/3 of the plant's roots. Some plants were just too big for their pots so those I divided and set in new pots. Others were good to go back in their old pots with fresh soil.

Although I live on 25 hectares of lovely forest land, I always buy potting soil, a fact that drives the spousal unit nuts. I have tried to explain to him time and again that potting soil is sterile and it won't bring in bugs, fungii or disease. Somehow he just can't see that if I use unsterilized garden soil for potting houseplants I'll be letting myself in for a world of grief.

Many years ago, to placate him, I actually tried sterilizing garden soil and it is not an experience I would recommend to anyone. It took something in the range of five hours at a fairly high temperature and filled the house with the smell of burning dirt.

Have you ever noticed that you can buy candles in many scents but Burning Dirt is not one of them?

There's a good reason for that.

But, like I said, the spousal unit sees potting soil as a big waste of money so when I do my repotting projects I always pick a time when he's not around. This saves us an argument over a stupid issue. With so many bright, shiny important issues to fight over, why waste steam over an insignificant one?

My thoughts, exactly.

Every time I repot my plants I come up against that great existential question Just Exactly How Many Is Too Many Spider Plants?

The thing with spider plants is that they're supposed to be good for filtering toxins out of the air in your house, so I have a fair number. They are very, very happy in my house which means each plant sends out 62 runners with four or five baby spider plants on each runner. Each time I repot my plants I have to decide how many of these baby spider plants I'm going to plant and how many I'm going to throw away.

Logically, I should throw them all away. We have enough spider plants. I have given all my friends who want them spider plants. But each time I go to throw out my surplus baby spider plants my Inner Tightwad goes mental. My Inner Tightwad says things such as, "But Marn, people BUY spider plants. You are throwing away good money."

If I was in the business of selling spider plants, this would be true. But I'm not in the business of selling spider plants. Our house is already awash in spider plants. A mature person would acknowledge this and consign the excess baby spider plants to the composter.

So what do I do?

I take a large pot and I squeeze all 1,432 baby spider plants into it.

This is pure lunacy. By next spring the pot will be absolutely JAMMED with burgeoning spider plants. Some of the babies will die slow, horrible deaths as their more vigourous siblings choke them out. But I cannot bear to throw any of them away.

Freakish obsession? Charming quirk? Sometimes, like beauty, it's in the eye of the beholder.

--Marn

Mileage on the Marnometer: 495.75 miles (796.6 kilometers)

Goal for 2003: 500 miles - 804.5 kilometers