Wednesday, Apr. 23, 2003
Dear Diary:

Despite the fact that only seven of us were able to make it to the home farm for Easter dinner, my mom-in-law still cooked a turkey AND a ham, because, well, you know--What's The Point Of Being At The Top Of The Food Chain If You Can't Gorge On The Losers?

I kidded her that at Christmas not only will we have ham and turkey, but I will personally contribute a fish course so we can establish ourselves as Lords o' the Food Chain in air, land AND water. We'll show those losers a thing or two, eh?

You would think that an excess of meat would be enough, but oh, no, my mom-in-law firmly believes that nothing exceeds like excess, so in addition to the main courses there were four, count 'em four desserts.

A stronger woman would have Just Said No. Me, I only recently emerged from the sugar coma. Did I miss anything?

The wangitude tee-shirt project to mark the spousal unit's upcoming 50th birthday continues to be the most vexing thing I have ever undertaken in my life. I sweartogawd that if I had had the merest glimmer of how much grief this would have caused me, I never, ever would have begun it.

I scoured the local stores looking for a plain tee-shirt with nothing printed on it and came up empty-handed, so I called my daughter in Montreal and got her to buy some tee-shirts there and bring them home for Easter. I washed and dried them in preparation for ironing on the transfer AND THE FREAKING THINGS SHRANK!

You can well imagine my anguish.

The spousal unit had decided that Monday he would drive the daughter, her sweetie, and various and sundry things the daughter needed back into Montreal. Originally I'd said I would stay here but the tee-shirt crisis meant I would have to go into the city with them and pick up two more tees.

So I announced that I would be joining them. Curious about the unexpected turn of events, the spousal unit asked me why. I had not foreseen his interest.

"I need to get a thing," I said.

I'll just give you a moment here to admire how quickly I

a) think on my feet and
b) how extensive, varied and colourful my vocabulary is.

"A thing?" he asked.

"Yes, a thing," I said. I could sense this secrecy was quickly becoming an issue, so I decided to use the magic words. "It's for your birthday."

"Oh, you're getting me the new Lucinda Williams CD!" he said grinning widely.

"Uh, no. It's something else." Drat. I didn't know he wanted the new Lucinda Williams CD.

After delivering the daughter and her sweetie back to their place, the spousal unit and I headed back into the downtown. The spousal unit does not like to drive in the downtown because Montreal drivers firmly subscribe to Darwinism. On top of their efforts to cull the less fit from the herd, Mother Nature decided to throw in her five cents' worth and so it was also raining hard.

The final icing on the cake was that we had to park a fair ways from our destination.

Fine.

I shooed him into a Canadian Tire store and disappeared into a department store to find the tee-shirts. I scored two, paid for them, and had the woman double bag them so they would not be visible through the thin plastic of the store's bag.

We hooked up at our pre-arranged meeting point. He eyed the small bag. "You got me the new Lucinda Williams CD."

I rolled my eyes. I firmly told him He Was Not Getting The New Lucinda Williams CD for this birthday and to just put it right out of his mind.

Sheesh. You'd think that at this point, after nearly 29 years of marriage, he would realize that if it had been his destiny to be married to the sort of woman who would get him exactly what he wanted for his birthday, he would not be married to me.

The spousal unit's been working at home since we got back from Montreal, so I haven't been able to wash the tee-shirt and get the transfer ironed on. Tomorrow, one day before his birthday, he heads out to work elsewhere and in that time I have to get the shirt ready. Just as well he firmly nixed my hopes of having a big party for him--I could not have handled organizing that and getting the freaking tee shirt finished.

So yeah, months after I started the Wangitude Tee Shirt Project, here I am rushing to get it done practically ten minutes before his birthday. I can't get over how difficult this little project has turned out to be. Wrapped in the tee will be my more formal gift, a certificate giving him a week's retreat at a Buddhist meditation centre in New York state that he likes.

I can hardly believe that I have known this man since we were both teenagers. Here we are now, both in our 50's. Crap on a stick, this time business is whooshing by much, much too quickly. Oh, well, maybe with another 30 plus years I will actually morph into the sort of woman who would get him exactly what he wanted for his birthday.

*Snort*. Yeah, like that's ever going to happen, eh?

--Marn

Mileage on the Marnometer: 220.57 miles (354.9 kilometers) Ten percent there rubber duck.Ten percent there rubber duck.Ten percent there rubber duck.Ten percent there rubber duck.
Goal for 2003: 500 miles - 804.5 kilometers

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