So it would be wrong, shallow and petty to hate someone's guts because they're young, blonde, have a swimsuit model's body and the strength of She-Ra, right?

Yeah, I thought so, too.

Hello, my name is Marn and I am a wrong, shallow and petty person.

The woman I think of as The Goddess was at my gym again this morning. Just looking at her saps my will to live. Not only is she heartbreakingly gorgeous, but when she works out and sweats she completely defies all the laws of nature and science and STAYS gorgeous.

Oh yeah, when she works out there's none of this mottled pinkness of skin or sweat-soaked matted down hair business that happens with me. Oh no, this woman just attains an attractive sheen.

Have I mentioned that I hate her guts?

Just checking.

Today at one point we ended up working out side by side. I was doing bicep curls with a bar and she was in the squat cage, squatting 115 FREAKING POUNDS. Just typing that number and comparing it to what I am squatting at present makes me feel a burning need to impale myself on my keyboard.

Yes, yes I know. Wrong. Shallow. Petty.

As we worked out, I stared stonily ahead at my reflection in the mirror. I knew that if I looked over at her in all her perfection then I would probably spontaneously combust from envy. It's bad enough to be mottled and sweaty, but mottled, sweaty and on fire would just be sad.

"Excuse me," she said, "but you're doing your bicep curls all wrong."

Now normally my reaction to a stranger coming up to me and critiquing my gym form is less than positive. Okay, I know I should be open to constructive criticism, but unless it's coming from my trainer I am pigheaded enough that I don't want to hear it.

EXCEPT IN THIS CASE.

Because, you see, it turns out that The Goddess has one slight imperfection. That slight imperfection? She has a voice that makes me think of Cyndi Lauper trying to mimic Minnie Mouse.

Of course, it would be wrong, shallow and petty to gloat over the fact that this gorgeous woman has such a comical voice.

Hello, my name is Marn and I am a wrong, shallow and petty person.

So we engaged in a detailed conversation about the mechanics of the bicep curl. I encouraged her to talk just so I could revel in The Voice.

Wrong. Shallow. Petty.

Then a terrible thing happened. The changes she suggested in my form made a terrific difference in the workout the muscles got. I began to feel guilty about how I was gloating over her voice because it became very clear that she was a good-hearted person who had gone out of her way to help a stranger get the maximum benefit from a workout.

Oh crap.

So now I'm even more intensely conflicted about this woman. I mean, I want to continue to hate her guts for being so effortlessly gorgeous AND I want to gloat over her goofy voice. The problem is, now that I've gotten to know her a little bit, I've actually come to like her a little bit.

Man. Don't you just hate it when that happens?

--Marn

Mileage on the Marnometer: 101.77 miles (163.75 kilometers)
Goal for 2003: 500 miles - 804.5 kilometers