I have a love-hate relationship with the deer that live in the hundreds of acres of woods that surround my home.

They love to eat my beloved gardens.

I hate their guts.

It works for us.

Each day I do little early morning garden walkabouts, savouring the tranquility of a world just awakening, the beauty of hostas wearing raindrops like diamonds. This is my way to unwind, to ease into my day.

Lately it's been more of my way to end up red-faced, waving my arms in indignation, shouting very nasty things towards the woods. I'm sure we can all agree that this probably serves as a serious deer deterrent AND that the deer probably spend their evenings stewing in regret over what they have done to me.

Oh be quiet. It could happen.

Yep, each day, despite the fact that I use the One True Deer Repellant to mark my territory (forget mothballs, scented soaps, human hair, commercial repellants--none of it works--the one and only true deer repellant is urine) there are some plants which deer will eat No Matter What.

This year's victims are the lovely French Freedom lilacs I bought last spring. Two of them have been eaten down to half their original size. Only one, one which is just a few feet from my home, has so far escaped munchification. I have been seriously considering borrowing my mom-in-law's rottweiler and chaining him near the shrub, at least until it flowers.

Unfortunately, Tyler has a thing about cats. My cats, selfish creatures that they are, refuse to put their lives at risk for the sake of my lilacs. I mean, don't they have NINE lives or something? Could they not spare a life or two for the sake of my lilacs? Huh? HUH?

Sadly, it appears not.

Sadly, it appears that my lilacs and I are on our own.

It can be a cruel, cruel world.

Oh, and Because They Love To Torture Me, the deer have not yet eaten my Baptisia or false indigo which is just at the point of flowering. For those of you keeping track, this is Year Five of Marn Growing Baptisia Only To See The Deer Eat It About Five Seconds Before It Blooms.

Me?

Bitter?

I am trying not to get my hopes up that this, THIS will finally be the year that my Baptisia are spared. Instead, when I pass by them in my garden and give them an extra, super duper ring of urine drops from my squirt bottle, I pretend it was an accident.

"Lah lah lah lah lah. Nothing special happening here. Oh, ooooopsey, I seem to accidentally sprayed some extra urine here But Pay No Attention To That Because There's Nothing Special Growing Here. Lah lah lah lah lah."

Do you think the deer are buying that?

Nah. Me neither.

--Marn

Mileage on the Marnometer: 289.88 miles (465 kilometers)
Goal for 2003: 500 miles - 804.5 kilometers