I marched into the appliance section of the village hardware store late this morning with a determined step. I was a woman on a mission. There was a homicidal toaster to be replaced.

I was bedazzled by what I saw.

Gone are the days when a toaster is a toaster is a toaster. You've got your narrow slot toasters. You've got your wide slot toasters. You've got your toasters with special thermostats which can specify the type of bready goodness you might be toasting, with settings for everything from bagels through to croissants.

You've got your toaster ovens.

Too. Much. Selection.

I read over warranties and features, compared prices. Finally, I picked a mid-range toaster with wide slots in case we should decide to do bagel-related toasting. I hadn't realized how important it is to consider all the toasting eventualities. I felt like a babe in the toaster woods.

I know the clerk at the cash, and there was no one else in the store, so we had a little gab. At the end of it she said, "Keep your bill, it's your warranty proof. We've had a lot of problems with toasters. One woman had to bring three back before she got one that worked right."

My face must have shown my mix of disbelief and anger over that little revelation because she hastened to add, "Not your brand. More the Philips' toasters."

Fine.

So there you have it. A world full of toaster options, but no guarantee that any of them are going to, you know, actually MAKE you toast.