����I don't have a love-hate relationship with tofu, eh.

����Norsireebob, it's pure, unalloyed hate.

����Some call this pasty, white, rubbery white block of tastelessness bean curd; as far as I'm concerned, it's better described as bean turd.

����I mean that in the kindest, gentlest and least judgmental way possible, of course.

����Sadly, as part of my gym regime I have to eat far more protein than I have in the past. Something has been muttered about repairing all the micro-tears I'm inflicting on my muscles three mornings a week.

����In my quest to find sources of protein that won't send my cholesterol readings off the chart--or turn me into the super hero known as Methane Woman (and don't think that I didn't want to insert some utterly tasteless fart reference in here, because I did)--last night I let tofu ooze into my life.

����I'm trying not to be bitter. Instead, I'm just lashing out through run-on sentences so convoluted that they would make even Charles Dickens twitch.

����Part of the problem, of course, is that I just don't know how to cook this stuff.

����I was hoping they had the equivalent of Hamburger Helper for tofu--you know something such as Tofu Resuscitator. (And really, you don't want to be making tofu jokes in a health food store. Health food store clerks do NOT take kindly to tofu humour. I know. Believe me, I know.)

����So I found a box of something you throw in with tofu to make tofu burgers. That seemed do-able, so off home I went with the block of firm tofu the product required and my new found tofu helper.

����Okay, first off it said to mash the tofu into little tiny piece-a-zoids. Have you ever tried to mash an eraser? A block of firm tofu has about the same texture (although not nearly as much flavour). After several minutes of heavy labour with a fork I had barely made a dent in the block.

����I don't have a food processor, so I decided to cut it into small cubes and put it in my blender. That falls under the heading of One of My Bigger Mistakes because the few blocks the blender mixed turned into tofu paste (suitable for patching asphalt and not much else.) Finally I just ended up squishing it with my hands.

����Squishing tofu with your fingers is oddly therapeutic. It almost makes up for having to eat the stuff.

����So then I mixed it in with the tofu helper and shaped it into patties. The spousal unit came home from work at that point and solemnly surveyed the situation. "It will probably taste alright," was his cryptic comment. "We just have to learn to adjust our taste buds."

����He is a very brave man.

����You know, once I got past the way the wee tofu piece-a-zoids had an alarmingly eraser like texture, the patty wasn't bad. But surely there is a better way to do this.

����Consider this a plea. If any of you out there are tofu eaters and have simple, tasty recipes you'd like to share with me, I would be beyond grateful, eh.

����Remember, it's not just me you're helping. You're also saving a poor, defenceless, middle-aged man from the ravages of my cooking.

����Do it for the spousal unit.