Thursday, Jul. 11, 2002
Dear Diary:

Do you think the 'Mericans have uncovered the diabolically clever Canadian weapons grade doughnut program?

I live just a few miles from the U.S. border and for most of the 25 years I've been here, crossing over into the U.S. has been a very simple and friendly affair.

Now each time I go to the nearby border crossing, I am treated like Marn, Ticking Time Bomb of Terror.

Mostly I find this funny because it appeals to my sense of the absurd. After all, I am a very quiet, white-haired fifty something Canadian woman who lives the dullest life on the planet.

I've said more than once that I exist solely so other people who might be despairing over the dullness of their own existence can take a quick glance at mine and go, "Oh, well, as bad as things are, at least I'm not Marn."

And hey, I understand the need for heightened security at the U.S. border. When it's done professionally I have no problem with it. But today I was treated with great rudeness. It wasn't necessary and I am steamed.

Now I know that most of you think of Canadians as a quiet, tranquil people. After all, it was one of our former prime ministers, Lester B. Pearson, who came up with the idea of the U.N. Peacekeepers.

But the truth is, we are a steaming, bubbling cauldron of anti-Americanism. What, you think we've forgotten the war of 1812-14? Oh sure, we repelled the American invaders and even burned down part of the White House, but we're still ticked off about the fact that they tried to annex us.

Revenge, however, is a dish best served cold. Who knows more about cold than Canadians, eh?

Terrorist cells been quietly plotting our revenge for nearly two hundred years now. Alright, so that might seem pokey to you. You try zipping around when you spend most of the year in bulky winter clothing and you have to spend inordinate amounts of time looking for your missing left mitten.

Just try it.

That said, we have come up with a scheme of such depraved cunning that it will make you recoil in horror.

Yes, I would be speaking of the weapons grade doughnut program.

Oh, let other people threaten the Americans with biological weaponry or weapons of mass destruction. The Americans will find a way around it; they always do.

Ah, but the weapons grade doughnut is a no-fail scheme of diabolical cleverness, as far as I can see. I mean, walk down any American street and you'll see a people who clearly worship the doughnut almost as much as we Canuckians.

The trick will be in disguising the weapons grade doughnut--a seemingly innocuous bit of fried goodness that will, in fact, clog every artery in your body in seconds--so that it's almost indistinguishable from an ordinary doughnut.

Once that final kink is ironed out ...



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