It was pouring rain and we were all transfixed because we figured we were about to watch a man explode into flames.

If you happen to have the Dueling Banjos theme from the movie Deliverance, you might want to use it as background music while you read on.

So yeah, we were at the Canada Day celebrations at Sherman's tonight and the sky opened up, just poured, right after we finished the potluck. The group of us huddled in the small lean-to shed, contemplating the enormous mountain of bonfire wood piled up in the middle of the meadow.

Russ decided he would light the bonfire and strode over with a small propane torch in his hand. Well, the wood and kindling were just too wet to light. No problemo! This is the boonies! EVERYONE has a container of gas in the back of their truck!

So, Russ went and filled several empty beer bottles with gas and WITH A LIT PROPANE TORCH IN ONE HAND PROCEEDED TO THROW GASOLINE ON THE WET WOOD WITH THE OTHER HAND.

People, not only is gas itself insanely flammable, but gas fumes are pretty much explosive. This guy was creating huge arcs of both gas AND gas fumes from the wood he was trying light right back to himself.

Himself, as in a man holding a half full beer bottle of gasoline.

You know, your basic equipment for your Molotov cocktail.

I think what saved him was our collective intake of breath as we watched him. I think the bunch of us just sucked all the oxygen right out of the surrounding vicinity.

Someone managed to convince Russ that maybe gasoline wasn't the way to go, especially since turning himself into a human pyre might put a bit of a damper on the Canada Day festivities.

Still, that left us with a bonfire that wouldn't light. No problemo! This is the boonies! Neil hopped into HIS pickup truck, a truck which has a spare 50 gallon tank of diesel and gas pump in the back, and drove a loop around the bonfire while someone sprayed the bonfire with diesel.

Russ was standing nearby with a lit propane torch. Now granted, diesel isn't nearly as flammable as gas, but still. Someone managed to convince Russ that walking back up to the bonfire pile with a lit propane torch, said bonfire pile consisting of a mountain of wood now soaked with both gasoline and diesel fuel, might not be a wise thing to do.

No problemo! This is the boonies!

What I am about to tell you has profoundly shaken my belief in Darwinism and has me seriously contemplating the validity of Creationism.

Russ picked up one of the Canada Day fireworks someone brought, lit it, and pointed it at the pile of bonfire wood.

I will just give you a moment to contemplate this image in all its glory.

Alrightee then.

Trained professionals put fireworks in heavy duty metal tubes, light them and stand far back, because, you know, Sometimes Things Go Wrong. Sometimes these things explode because they are basically controlled bombs. Yet, a man who was just holding a beer bottle full of gasoline, a man who had probably saturated his skin with gasoline, picked up a tube of explosive goodness in said hand and lit that tube.

A small, brightly coloured flaming ball of gunpowder fueled goodness rocketed out of the firework towards the mountain of bonfire wood. It skimmed by the bonfire and narrowly missed a car. Russ adjusted his aim. In a split second the next brightly coloured ball of gunpowder fueled goodness rocketed towards the pile of bonfire wood, hit its mark and

Bounced

Back

At

Russ.

Yes, a small, brightly coloured flaming ball of gunpowder fueled goodness bounced off the gas and diesel soaked pile of bonfire wood and ricocheted just over Russ' head. As he ducked to protect himself, the final small, brightly coloured flaming ball of gunpowder fueled goodness shot out of the firework. Somehow, Russ had the presence of mind to send it up in the sky.

One thing I will say for the guy, he has remarkable reflexes.

At this point, cooler heads prevailed. The bonfire was cautiously lit by others and it was as beautiful as years past. The fireworks afterwards were spectacular but I must admit, they were a bit of a letdown.

But then, what can you expect? Once you've seen someone hold a gunpowder filled tube in their gasoline soaked hand and fire it at a mountain of petroleum soaked wood--AND seen the flaming ball ricochet right back at them--well, watching similar flaming balls shoot aimlessly into the sky just doesn't have the same impact.

You know, it strikes me that sometimes the line between tragedy and comedy is just way, way too close for comfort, eh?

--Marn

Mileage on the Marnometer: 329.34 miles (530 kilometers)
Goal for 2003: 500 miles - 804.5 kilometers