2000-12-08
Dear Diary:

  It appears that people have been worried about being full of shite for centuries now.

  No, really, they have and I can prove it to you.

  See, I opened my e-mail this morning and in amongst the usual stuff was one from my health-obsessed buddy, Eddie, with the subject line, "Stay regular and well-dilated." It's a link to a synopsis of a scholarly book studying the history of how 'Mericans and Brits have felt about constipation for the last 200 years.

  This book isn't some lightweight piece of crap. Nuh uh. It's been published by the Oxford University Press for heaven's sake.

  So did I approach it with respect?

  Heck no.

  I immediately start to laugh.

  *Insert Beavis and/or Butthead voice here* "Uhhhh he said rectum."

  I am soooo immature at times.

  There is nothing funny about this book, but when I started reading headings such as "Constipation Has Always Been Feared" I couldn't help myself. I mean, picture that king of overacting, DeForest Kelly (Dr. "Bones" McCoy from the first Star Trek) yelling this line:

  "OMIGAWD, Jim, He's Got Constipation!" (I briefly considered ending that sentence with the words, "and he's gonna blow any second" but that would have been tacky Grade 2 level potty humour, eh. So I didn't. But I wanted to.)

  Did I mention that I had such a good time giggling over the pictures of old ads for things such as bowel bloat (and aren't you oh so glad I made you look at THAT, huh? Hope you weren't eating or anything, eh.)

  Yep, I love me that rectal humour.

  Of course now I'm again fixated on a stupid question.

  What attracts a serious scholar (after all, the synopsis says he's professor of the history of medicine in the Department of Medical History and Ethics, University of Washington School of Medicine in Seattle) to write about the history of how people felt about constipation?

  I mean, did he wake up one night and think, "Darn, I'm bound up tighter than a drum. Jeepers, I wonder how great-great grandpa felt about this when it happened to him? What was the prevailing medical wisdom at the time?"

  How DOES one come to write about a subject such as this?

  Oh and is the author planning a sequel?

  Can we look forward to Diarrhea?

  Inquiring minds want to know.

--Marn

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2000, 2001, 2002 Marn. This is me, dagnabbit. You be you.